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1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog."

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
 

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A man and his wife were getting ready to have their first child, the problem was they had no electricity. The doctor came out to their house to deliver the child. The doctor had the husband hold the lantern while he delivered the child. The woman began to have the child. The doctor says, "Oh it's a boy." The husband went to set the lantern down but the doctor told him there was another baby. The husband brought the light back and the doctor had delivered a baby girl. Again the husband went to set the light down and again the doctor told him there was another baby. Sure enough when the light was brought back another baby boy had been born. The husband ask the doctor, " do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"
 

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If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.
That's why people with no sense of humour have an increased sense of self-importance.

I walked into the pub and the barman said, "Your wife looked quite ravishing last night. Now what can I get you Bob?"
"Whatever you've been drinking, mate."

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat bird dancing on a table.
I said to her "Nice legs".
The girl giggled and said with a smile "Do you really think so ".
I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now".


A sexy bird looked at my beer belly and sarcastically said, " Is that Carlsberg or Fosters"?
I said, " There's a tap underneath, taste it".

My wife turned to me during her mother's funeral and hissed, "When we get home later, I'm going to make you ****ing pay for this!"
For the life of me I couldn't think of what I had done wrong.
Maybe it's because I wasn't sharing my popcorn.


A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit-bull on a leash. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog. "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file. Whose funeral is it?" The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife." "What happened to her?" The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men...
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Join the queue"
 

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5,737 Posts
poker anyone?

the queen of england and pamela anderson arrived at the pearly gates at the same time.

being a rather busy day in heaven, st peter only had enough room to process one of the new entrants.

trying to make it fair, he asked both women to exhibit a reason to allow passage to where pamela immediately flashed her breasts while the queen simply sat and rinsed her crotch.

which one was able to enter?




































the queen! everyone knows a royal flush beats a great pair!
 

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5,737 Posts
press 1 for english?

a friend of mine sent me these, took me a read(or is that reed?) or two as well.

English to confuse our foreign learners:

"the bandage was wound around the wound"
"the farm was used to produce produce"
"we must polish the Polish furniture"
"since there was no time like the present, he decided it was time to present the present"
"a bass was painted on the head of the bass drum"
"i did not object to the object"
"they were too close to close the door"
"the buck does funny things when the does are present"
a seamstress and a sewer fell into a sewer line"
"after a number of injections, my jaw got number"
upon seeing a tear in my painting, i shed a tear"
i had to subject the subject to a series of tests"
 

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He was in ecstasy, a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards then backwards.

Forward, then backwards again....back and forth....back and forth....in and out...in and out.

She could feel the sweat on forehead and between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back. She was getting nearer to the end!

Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed, and then she moaned. Softly at first then louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:
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OK! OK! I CANT PARK THE FRIGGING CAR!!! YOU DO IT YOU SMUG BASTARD!
 

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A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw. Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?' 'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...'
 

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34,103 Posts
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or
12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
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The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of months ago. I was
checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on
the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and
placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my
items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not
finding the bar code she said to me "Do you know how much this is?" and I said to her "I've changed
my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today".
She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened....
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A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and quickly pulling it out.
When asked what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for
a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".
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I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help? I asked. She
replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door UN-locker. Now I can't get
into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to
fit this?" "Hmmm, dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she
answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.
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Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a
secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier paper," the
secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on
the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
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I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front
of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in
Twister. I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise
control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
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Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and
connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier,
and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CONCLUSION: "Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."
 
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