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996 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Lets keep this one going guys!

Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American engineer -- are working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total," says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." Pooooof! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The American engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out -- it's virtually impenetrable."

The American engineer says, "Fill it with water."


Three men were discussing ageing at the nursing home.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothing'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock, no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble crapping?" Asked the 70 year old.

"No, I crap every morning at 6:30." replied the 80 year old.

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said: "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00." said the 80 year old!

One extra in there.....

Super Duper Member
768 Posts
^^^ Good ones

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother: "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

"He turned to the second Mom: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

1,232 Posts
those are great! keep em coming!

996 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
Wednesday JOTD...

A 5 year old boy and his parents are enjoying themselves at the circus. a line of elephants is walking by and one of the elephants is "aroused" the boy tugs on his moms arm and asks"whats that between the elephants legs?" the mom looks over and is embarrased and tells the boy "that is his tail" the boy is not fooled and says "no, not that -between his legs?" the mom doesn't know what to say so she says, "thats nothing". The boy is not believing her story and turns to his dad, Tugs on his arm and asks, "What is that between the elephants legs?" the dad looks over and says without hesitation, "why thats his penis" the boy looks puzzled and asks his dad, "why did mom say it was nothing"

To which the dad replies, "Well son , your mother HAS been quite spoiled for the last 6 years!!"


A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into Downtown Chicago.
Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened, what's the
hold up?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse
Jackson, and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom.
Otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on
fire. So we are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"

"About a gallon."

King of the Universe
6,674 Posts
Those are great!! Especially the 2nd one!!....I'm good for a gallon or 2!!:thumbsup:

779 Posts
One you can even share with your kids.

A string walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer.
The Bartender looks at him and says, "sorry Pal but we don't serve strings in this bar".
The string leaves.
Next night string comes back to the bar, sits down and asks for a Rum and Coke.
The Bartender looks at him and says, "look Pal I told you last nigt and I'm telling you again tonight, we don't serve strings in this bar".
String leaves.
The next night the string first stops outside the bar, pulls the top of himself all apart and ties himself in a knot, then enters the bar.
He sits down and asks the Bartender for a Gin and Tonic. The bartender looks at him for a second and asks, "aren't you a string?"
The string looks at the Bartender and replies, "nope, I'm afraid not!" (A frayed Knot)

I know........big groan!:rolleyes:

996 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
Thursday JOTD(a little late)

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute.."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.


An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband's sex drive. 'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor.
'Not a chance' says Mrs. Murphy he won't even take an aspirin for a head-ache.
'No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it.' 'Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.' A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went. 'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor'.

'What happened?' asks the doctor. 'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee.' 'The effect was immediate.' 'He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop.' 'It was terrible.' 'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'was the sex not good?'
"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again.

996 Posts
Discussion Starter #10
Friday JOTD

An old widow places an ad in the personals for a new mate. The ad stated that the man must be about her age, must never beat her, can never walk out on her, and must still be good in bed.
A couple of days later an old man in a wheel chair comes to the door. The man has no arms and legs. The shocked woman says to the man at the door, "surely you are not responding to my personals ad" "you have no arms". The man states, "therefore I could never beat you". the woman in turn responds, "but you have no legs". "Therefore I could never walk out on you" the man says. At this the woman asks, "But are you still good in bed"? To which the man responds, "I knocked on your door, didn't I"?


In 1986, Mikele Mebembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mikele approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mikele worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mikele stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.. Mikele never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mikele was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mikele and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mikele, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mikele couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mikele summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mikele's legs
and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant........


For several years, a married man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his
reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go
to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he
would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but
asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete,
he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.

On the card was written:

"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without."


996 Posts
Discussion Starter #12
I have to...I laughed so hard at this one.

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single." "Just let it go, Dave."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering: "Dave"............................."Dave"..... .... .."You're a Veterinarian"

heres another one


A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband cautioned, "Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of
those windows it will cost us a fortune to repair."

Of course, she tee'd off and promptly shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to watch out!
Now we will have to go up there and apologize and see how much
that lousy drive is going to cost us."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said,
"Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke the window?"
"Uh! Yeah! We are sure sorry about that, " the husband replied.
"Oh! No apologies necessary. Actually I want to thank you.
You see I am a genie. I have been trapped in that bottle
for a thousand years. Now that you have released me I am allowed to grant three wishes. I will give you each one wish and I will keep the last one for myself."

"WOW! That's great! the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I would like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie, "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And now you, young lady, what do you want?"
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world", she said.
"Consider it done", the genie said.

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "What's your wish genie?"
"Well, since I have been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses.
What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering all that, I guess I wouldn't mind."

The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Both satisfied each other repeatedly. Afterwards the genie rolled over and looked at the wife and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we are both 35" she responded.
"No kidding! 35 years old and both of you believe in genies?"

996 Posts
Discussion Starter #13
Saturday JOTD

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the
house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get the Hell away from me."


A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $14.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.' Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $52.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What 's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.

996 Posts
Discussion Starter #14
Monday JOTD

A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known
lovers lane. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly
glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.

He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat,
knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks
to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers
his window, "Uh, yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?"

"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine, sir."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat
the cop says,"And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs, "Sir, I believe she's
knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple.
Alone, in a car, at night in a lovers' lane. And nothing
obscene is happening!

"What's your age, young man?"

"I'm 25, sir."

"And her .. what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies,
"She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."


A man goes into a lawyer's office and says, "I heard people have sued the tobacco companies for giving them lung cancer, and McDonald's for making them fat."

The lawyer says, "Yes, that's true."

The man says, "Well, I'm interested in suing too."

The lawyer says, "Okay, McDonald's, or the tobacco companies?"

The man says, "Neither I'm suing Budweiser for all the ugly people I've slept with."


After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches setting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry. Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."


A blonde went into a world wide message centre to
send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $300, she
exclaimed: "I don't have any money.
But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother".

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).

"Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.

"Well then, just follow me", said the man as he walked towards the
next room.

The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
"Come in and close the door" the man said.
She did.
He then said "Now get on your knees." She did.
"Now take down my zipper". She did.
"Now go ahead ... take it out...." he said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered
"Well............ go ahead".
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it
and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said...........

"Hello. Mom, can you hear me?"

Premium Member
34,103 Posts
Wedding Anniversary

Larry was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really angry She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds...


The next morning Larry got up early and left for work. When his wife
wokeup, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a gift-box
for her wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on
her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Larry has been missing since Friday

996 Posts
Discussion Starter #17
Wed JOTD....Ive got a good thanksgiving joke for tomorow!


Judge #1--A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2--Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge #3--(Frank)-- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These NMexicans are crazy.

Judge #1--Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2--Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3--Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Judge #1-- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge #2-- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3-- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the beer.

Judge #1--Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2--Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge #3--I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT. Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Judge #1--Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2--Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3--My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Judge #1--Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge #2--The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3--My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rearend with a snow cone.

Judge #1--A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2--Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3--You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Judge #1--The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2--This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when
Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge #3--No Report


A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small
house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man
with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst
Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as
well, and entered the house. As they were sitting down for dinner, the
daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. He could see she was attracted to the him since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her
room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so
the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large
rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder
up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he
noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to
left testicle"

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting
close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he
plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read,
"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost!

996 Posts
Discussion Starter #18
one more

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I
said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on
some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull
the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

1 - 20 of 357 Posts