JOTD: Joke Of The Day - Page 5 - Snowmobile Forum: Your #1 Snowmobile Forum

beavernutts · 02-04-2008, 03:52 PM

Lmfaorofl!!!!^^^^^^

Fifty54Four · 02-04-2008, 04:46 PM

54's joke of the day:

The Patriots.

ptrapper65 · 02-04-2008, 06:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fifty54Four

54's joke of the day:

The Patriots.

^^^ I called it. I won a few bucks too.

beavernutts · 02-06-2008, 04:26 PM

A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked -
"Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"

Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!"

The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again -
"Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?

Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"

The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy -
"Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".

Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says:
"HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!!!"

"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"

ptrapper65 · 02-11-2008, 12:58 PM

They say that this is the funniest joke ever. I don't think so.

Five years ago, Prof Richard Wiseman, of the University of Hertfordshire, did an online experiment in which 300,000 people from around the world took part in LaughLab, where they voted for the best gag.

The joke runs as follows:

Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps 'My friend is dead! What can I do?' The operator says: 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says 'OK, now what?'

JheLrey · 02-12-2008, 02:29 PM

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying. A young man is walking by and asks him why he's crying. The old man says, "I'm retired and I have lots of money, a huge luxury apartment, a beautiful 25 year old wife who loves me and has sex with me twice a day"

The young man says, "Well then why the hell are you crying!?"

The old man replies, "I can't remember where I live!"

beavernutts · 02-12-2008, 04:31 PM

Lmao^^^^

**RJ Gleason** · 02-13-2008, 03:21 PM

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't
have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

THOUGHTS FOR A SLOW WEEK:

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could
simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?
Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have
started with something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

But Most Of All, Remember:
A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra: Hard to Find,
Supportive, Comfortable,And Always Close To
Your Heart!

Ponderisms:
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that
most people die of natural causes.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure
you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to
pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a
valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house
is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make
it normal.

? ? ? ? How is it one careless match can start a forest fire,
but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think
I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever
comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there?
I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song
about him?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get
undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
and finally:
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

**RJ Gleason** · 02-14-2008, 07:33 AM

Subject: Gone Hunting

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly,
made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the
garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential
down pour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that
the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that stuff?"

\\\///
(.)(.)
(_)

cvanmarter · 02-14-2008, 08:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RJ Gleason

Subject: Gone Hunting

"Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that stuff?

beavernutts · 02-14-2008, 08:47 AM

JheLrey · 02-14-2008, 01:13 PM

This joke is kind of lame but fits the day....

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.
"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer."

**RJ Gleason** · 02-26-2008, 07:44 AM

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.
A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and
impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning; your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family
situation but I'll take charge . I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the re st of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be two factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they each will receive a factory and $2,000,000.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

"You Sleep with her again."

JheLrey · 02-28-2008, 07:51 PM

My GF told me this one...

Sex is like snow...You never know how long it will last or how many inches to expect...

cvanmarter · 02-29-2008, 07:29 AM

Ha thats a great one.

Benster · 02-29-2008, 01:27 PM

SO funny!!!

Jaded · 02-29-2008, 02:27 PM

-------Original Message-------

Painfully so True!

How to prepare yourself for Snowmobiling:

1. Go to your local snowmobile repair shop, smile and give the first guy you

see $200. This will get you used to spending money there on a regular basis.

2. Fill a 50-gallon barrel with sand. Lower it into a hole. Now lift it out.

If you can, add water to the sand and try it again. Do this 5 times per day.

This will get your back in shape for lifting your sled out of the deep snow.

3. Tie a rope to a heavy-duty spring. Pull the rope repeatedly with each arm

until the pain in your shoulders meets somewhere in middle your back. This

will get you in shape for starting your bud's sled, which he conveniently

forgot was out of gas. It's best to do this exercise while someone is

spraying starting fluid into your nose and eyes also.

4. Drink four ounces of cod liver oil mixed with a strong laxative. Dress

in long underwear, wool pants, snowmobile bibs, insulated boots and heavy

coat. Walk far into the woods without any paper products and wait for a

personal emergency. This gets you prepared for the Beer shits that come out of

nowhere, and at the wrong time.

5. Place your hands in a bucket of ice water for 20 minutes. Put the

carburetor from your lawn mower in the bottom of your deep freeze. Now climb

in the deep freeze, shut the lid and overhaul the carburetor while holding a pen light

in your mouth. This gets you prepared to work on your sled in the freezing

cold and black of night. Advanced riders do this with a leatherman tool

7. Dress up in your new $350 snowmobile bibs. Pour 2 stroke oil down the

right leg, gasoline down the other and Peppermint Schnapps and Beer all

over the front. Fill your boots with ice cubes and ask your wife or

girlfriend to dance. This will prepare her for the stops at the local bar

after a ride.

8. Put on a Balaclavaand a full-face helmet. Attempt to drink hot chocolate

through the opening. Advanced riders attempt this while riding a lawn

tractor over in the nearest farmers' field.

9. Find a place where you can pay $4.50 a gallon for regular gas; $19.99

per quart of oil; $16 for a hamburger and frozen French fries; $3 for a coke

and $160 to sleep in a cold cabin on a bed with springs sticking through the

mattress. Stay for two nights, minimum. This will prepare you for the high

cost of your future winter trips.

10. Practice explaining to your banker why you need another loan for a

$60,000 truck to pull the four $20,000 toys, in your $19,000 trailer that

you still owe $50,000 on.

Now, you are 50% ready, and somewhat conditioned to head for the trails and

ride your sled.

**RJ Gleason** · 02-29-2008, 02:56 PM

Unfortunately, it's too true.
But funny just the same.