JOTD: Joke Of The Day - Page 4 - Snowmobile Forum: Your #1 Snowmobile Forum

TheBackRoads · 01-16-2008, 11:13 PM

hahahahah that bartender one is great.

beavernutts · 01-17-2008, 07:17 PM

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.

"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."

BskidooC · 01-20-2008, 01:45 AM

Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!",
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
" Happy Birthday."

I thought...

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! "
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !"

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?"

I responded,
"I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?"
She said,
"Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there On the couch...
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Naked.

beavernutts · 01-20-2008, 09:06 AM

Lmao thats a good one!!

cvanmarter · 01-22-2008, 12:58 PM

Ditch hopper · 01-22-2008, 01:03 PM

lmfao BskidooC

beavernutts · 01-24-2008, 05:39 PM

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back.
He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.
He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.
His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.
His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, " I found the remote."

TCOLLINS · 01-24-2008, 06:18 PM

Why did the rubber fly across the room? It got pissed off!

**RJ Gleason** · 01-29-2008, 04:57 PM

How do these people survive?

ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw
on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied. \'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the
reply.
'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and
the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up
one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it
between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned
all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the
bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me,
'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to
what had just happened.

THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy
drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was
doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for
a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do
you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote
door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to
a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys
to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why
don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long
walk.'

FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day
she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of
typing paper. What do I do?'
'Just use copier machine paper,' the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it
on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

SIX A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs
to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The
dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine. The
mother says, I j ust gave him some ant killer.....
Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency!

Life is tough...it's tougher if you're stupid!!!!!!

ptrapper65 · 01-29-2008, 06:30 PM

^^^ Those are funny. I’m not sure if they really happened to you or it was just a compilation of people’s stories, but I have one just like it that really happened to me:

I asked my new secretary to fax one sheet of paper to my main office. I told her to dial the number, put the page in the feeder and hit send. She did it a few times and then my phone rang. It was my main office. They asked why we keep sending the same document over and over. I asked the secretary and she told me that it was never sent to the office, it kept coming back returned on the opposite side of the fax machine.

beavernutts · 01-29-2008, 08:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ptrapper65

^^^ Those are funny. I’m not sure if they really happened to you or it was just a compilation of people’s stories, but I have one just like it that really happened to me:

I asked my new secretary to fax one sheet of paper to my main office. I told her to dial the number, put the page in the feeder and hit send. She did it a few times and then my phone rang. It was my main office. They asked why we keep sending the same document over and over. I asked the secretary and she told me that it was never sent to the office, it kept coming back returned on the opposite side of the fax machine.

LMAO!!

**RJ Gleason** · 01-30-2008, 04:13 PM

For all you deer hunters, this is really funny!!!!!!!!!!!!

Names have been removed to protect the stupid!

Actual Letter from someone who farms in Kansas:

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall,

feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The
first

Step in this adventure was getting a deer.

I figured that, since they congregated at my cattle feeder and do not
seem

to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes
come

right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the
truck not 4

feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and
toss a bag over

its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The

cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They
were

Not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up --

3 of them.

I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the

feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have

A good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could

tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step towards it... it took a step away. I put a little tension
on the

rope and received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand
there

looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when

you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT

stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I

could fight down with a rope with some dignity. A deer, no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no

controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me
off my

feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that

having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I originally
imagined

The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many
animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk
me

off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few

minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood
flowing

out of the big gash in my head.

At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted
to

get that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just
let it

go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and

painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me

and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a

guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had

cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against
various

large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think
clearly

enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some

tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I
didn't want

the deer to have it suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined
back

up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before
hand...

kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and started
moving

up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would

have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised

when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of

my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a
horse where

they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its
head --

almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and

draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was

ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several

minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than
a

deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it.

While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached

up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day. Deer

will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their
back

feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves

are surprisingly sharp.

I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --
strikes at

you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to
do is

try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the
animal.

This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery

would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different

strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason

I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that
paws

at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back
of the head.

Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice
as strong

and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me
right in the back

of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not

immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has
passed. What

they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you
are

laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

cvanmarter · 01-31-2008, 07:27 AM

Thats why I don't hunt!!!

**RJ Gleason** · 01-31-2008, 07:35 AM

Home Depot scam alert-

> Please be careful!!!!!!! You are a prime target!!!!!
> Thought I should pass this warning on to you guys...
>
> Home Depot Scam Alert
>
> A 'Heads Up' for those of us men who may be regular Home Depot
> customers.
>
> I recently became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
>
> Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite
> traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to
> you or your friends. Here's how the scam works.
>
> Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your
> car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both
> start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their
> breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.
>
> It's impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a
> tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home
> Depot or Lowes.
>
> You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start
> undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and
> starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your
> wallet.
>
> I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,
> 17th, 20th & 24th. Also November 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th,
> three times just yesterday, and very likely this coming weekend.
> So tell your friends to be careful.

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For months the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"

Benster · 01-31-2008, 09:42 AM

Why Parents Drink.....

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

" Hello ? "

"Is your daddy home?", he asked.

"Yes", whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

" Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked,

"Is anybody else there?"

" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,

"May I speak with the policeman?"

" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background on the phone, the boss asked,
What is that noise?

" A helicopter ", answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?", demanded the
boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered,
"The search team has a helicopter ."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" .

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME ."

Benster · 01-31-2008, 09:50 AM

GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from
rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it
for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger
was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar.
What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description
for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your
idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule: There’s no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery
taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your
flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top
is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just
solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee,
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One
NutraSweet, oh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'E