JOTD: Joke Of The Day - Page 3 - Snowmobile Forum: Your #1 Snowmobile Forum

JheLrey · 12-12-2007, 12:37 PM

I tried a sawzall but it wouldnt touch the hardened part of the clutch. I used a torch to cut off the outer part. Then used a drill to break away the inside clutch sheave. Then a cut off wheel to remove the remaing piece.

- super1997

JheLrey · 12-12-2007, 02:17 PM

What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.

cvanmarter · 12-13-2007, 10:48 AM

Funny thanks good way to start the day

z400kiksazz · 12-13-2007, 02:04 PM

Beer Brothers
spacer

A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three pints of Guinness, please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too and we're drinking together."

The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy's three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

SnowBunny550 · 12-13-2007, 04:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by z400kiksazz

Beer Brothers
spacer

A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three pints of Guinness, please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too and we're drinking together."

The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy's three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

Everyone knows Guinness is best just a bit warm, anyway.

JheLrey · 12-13-2007, 07:41 PM

Haha... That's funny... I know where you got that Guiness joke from..

BskidooC · 12-14-2007, 01:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JheLrey

I tried a sawzall but it wouldnt touch the hardened part of the clutch. I used a torch to cut off the outer part. Then used a drill to break away the inside clutch sheave. Then a cut off wheel to remove the remaing piece.

- super1997

what the hell is that about! its a "perfect" motor but it now needs a crank! lol what a dumb @$$

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold,
blustery day. The daughter says to her Mother, "My hands are freezing."

The Mother replies, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will
warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,
"My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs.
The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.

The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the
daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl said, "Put it between my legs.
The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again riding with the daughter and he
said, "My Penis is frozen solid."

The following day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her
Mother and she says to her Mother, "Have you ever heard of a Penis?"

Slightly concerned the Mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"

The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost.
Don't they ?"

------------------------------------------------------------

Why Sentence structure is so important...

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two
people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were
both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire
the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying
all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss
approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but I
have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like ****."

z400kiksazz · 12-14-2007, 12:30 PM

^ ROFL!!!

BskidooC · 12-18-2007, 01:46 AM

Heres a bunch..enjoy!

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor fella is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls the guy’s doins out and it looks awful and reeks something powerful.
Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him.
Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your doins?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.”

---------------------------------------------------------------

A beautiful blonde goes into a bar and sits down next to a guy that's so homely looking, he hasn't had a date in over a year. Also, he's sooooo dumb that one night he slept with a ruler next to his head to see how long he slept. So, he figures that he has absolutely no chance in the world to score a date with this ravishing, buxom blonde. Then suddenly she strikes up a conversation with him and soon they become rather chummy. It starts to get late and the bartender gives last call.
The blonde leans over to the guy and says, "Let's have this last drink at my apartment."
Taken back by her request, and trembling, the guy finally utters the word, "Okay."
They get up from their bar stools and are headed for the door when the blonde stops him and says, "Before we go back to my apartment there's one thing I have to tell you," she said. "I'm on my menstrual cycle."
He says, "That's okay, I'll follow you in my Honda."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Ralph Nader, Al Gore and George W. Bush go to a fitness spa

for some fun. After a stimulating, healthy lunch, all three decide

to visit the men's room. They find a strange-looking gent sitting

at the entrance who says, "Welcome to the gentlemen's room,

be sure to check out our newest feature, a mirror that, if you look

into it and say something truthful, you will be rewarded with your

wish. But be warned, if you say something false, you will be

sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"

They entered and Ralph Nader steps up and say, “I think I'm

the most truthful of us three," and suddenly finds the keys to a

brand new Bentley in his hands.

Al Gore steps up and says, “I think I'm the most ambitious of

us three," and in an instant, he is surrounded by a pile of money

to fund his next campaign.

Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, George

W. Bush looks into the mirror and said, "I think...," and is promptly

sucked into the mirror.

---------------------------------------------------------------

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to
take a cruise vacation.
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and
proceeded to
have
the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He
found himself
on
an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing,
only bananas
and
coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one
day when
the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the
shore. In
disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did
you get
here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island.
I
landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row
boat
wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat
out of
raw material I found on the island. The oars were
whittled from gum
tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and
the sides and
stern
came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?" "Oh, that was no
problem,"
replied the woman.
"On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum
of alluvial
rock is exposed. I
found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my
kiln, it melted
into ductile iron.I used
that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she
says. After a
few minutes of rowing,
she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to
shore, he
nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow
painted in
blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly
woven hemp rope,
the man can only
stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she
says
casually, "It's not much,
but I call it home. Sit down, please.Would you like a
drink?"

"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't
take another
drop of coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a
still. How
would you like a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts,
and they
sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman
announces, "I'm
going to slip into something
more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and
shave? There is
a razor upstairs in the
bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the
bathroom. There,
in the cabinet, is a razor
made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a
hollow
ground edge are fastened on
to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?" When he
returns, she
greets him wearing
nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling
faintly of
gardenias. She beckons
for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to
him, "We've
been out here for many months.
You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really
feel like
doing right now, something you've
been longing for?"

She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's
hearing. "You
mean . . " he swallows
excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes...........

"Don't tell me you've built a Golf Course? "

--------------------------------------------------------------

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to......"

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too....you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me!"

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, my, that's a lot of ...of.....!!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith faintly.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling; I could hardly concentrate!

Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.

" Mrs. Smith leaned forward . "You mean they actually chewed on your... um...equipment?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work"

"Tripod???!!"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long.......Madam? Madam?...Good Lord, she's fainted....!"

---------------------------------------------------------------

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her

Tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most Beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato Garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing too

Her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden Hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No," she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

**RJ Gleason** · 01-12-2008, 02:57 PM

Thoughts for 2008....

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $0.30?

Number 2
In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2008:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

And the BONUS thought for today

"Life is like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow".

RoadkillSTX · 01-12-2008, 04:19 PM

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

"What size?" asks the clerk?

"Gee, I don't know."

"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the
crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and
leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4.
Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays,
and leaves.

A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.

"What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't
know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him
and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"
__________________________________________________ ______________________________

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for
help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask
your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then
go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then
come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a
million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."

He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million
dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

She replies, "O my god! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out.
Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living
with two sluts."

beavernutts · 01-12-2008, 04:39 PM

Lmao!!

BskidooC · 01-13-2008, 11:52 PM

Thanks for bringing this one back guys...I haven't had time to post up to many jokes...keep it going! and ill get some up soon!

beavernutts · 01-14-2008, 04:32 PM

A woman went to a WalMart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work.
The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,

"PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!"

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager In front of a growing crowd of customers.
The manager comes to the woman and asks;

"Ma'am what's wrong?"

She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams;

"PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!"

Which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!
In shock, the store manager pleads;

"Ma'am, why are you saying that?"

In a huff, the woman says;

"Because, I like to have my nipples pinched when I'm being screwed!"

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!

beavernutts · 01-14-2008, 04:33 PM

Ralph works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling
and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday
she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Ralph! How ya'
doin"?
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Ralph. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Ralph if he'd like his usual
and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she
know that you drink Budweiser?"
"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have Bud at the end of the 1st nine, Honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around
Ralph, starts to rub herself all over him and says,
"Hi Ralphy. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Ralph's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the
club. Ralph follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Ralph tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have
mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every
four letter word in the book.

The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez Ralph, you picked up a real
b**** this time."

cvanmarter · 01-15-2008, 06:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by beavernutts

"Geez Ralph, you picked up a real
b**** this time."