JOTD: Joke Of The Day - Page 2 - Snowmobile Forum: Your #1 Snowmobile Forum

JheLrey · 11-24-2007, 07:47 PM

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in P... E... N... I... S...

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

**PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH**

mx and sled 41 · 11-27-2007, 10:45 PM

a younger man walked into a bar, just starving... he noticed a cowboy sitting at the bar with a bowl of chili sitting infront of him and he wasn't touching it at all, the young man walked up to him and said "sir, are you going to eat that bowl of chili?" "no" replied the cowboy. "well can i eat it? im just starving i havent eaten in three days" asks the young man. The cowboy says "it's very spicy" the boy says "that's okay im so hungry i can eat it, i don't care how spicy it is." so the cowboy says "go ahead" he scarved down the entire bowl of chili in about 45 seconds... he got to the bottom of the bowl and there was a dead mouse laying in it. the boy throws the entire bowl of chili up rigth back into the bowl. the cowboy goes "yup. That's how far I got too."

ptrapper65 · 11-30-2007, 05:16 PM

Just to keep this going, I have this dumb one...

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

badbrad · 11-30-2007, 05:45 PM

LOL loved the chili jokes

BskidooC · 12-01-2007, 02:18 AM

Sorry guys! Ive been busy and havent had time! Thats what 1 foot of fresh pow does! lol...anyway
Friday JOTD

A MAN WHO KNOWS HIS MATH writes:
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut
right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the
shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm
out is window and gave the woman the finger. "Man, that guy is stupid,"
I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish
manner
whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though
the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I
pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every
day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS
That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as
dissatisfying
or unrewarding.
That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have
seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry
weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive
past at least one female that
has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has
seriously
considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger? I don't think so.

mx and sled 41 · 12-01-2007, 01:29 PM

that last one is a real good one...

Woodmin · 12-02-2007, 10:16 AM

BskidooC Dont ya just luv Maxim magazine, Great Jokes

Jaded · 12-02-2007, 12:10 PM

One day, a very long time ago there was beautiful woman who never nagged, grumbled or complained about anything............well it was only one day........and it was a very long time ago.

BskidooC · 12-02-2007, 07:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Woodmin

BskidooC Dont ya just luv Maxim magazine, Great Jokes

What guy doesn't?! lol

Sunday JOTD....If you cant laugh at these two you have serious problems lol.

Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Mom and Dad's for the night. In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No."
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch & asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, he comes home and asks, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says, "No."
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "OK! What do you think?"
He says, "Well, last night Fred came in for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

------------------------------------------------------------------

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Lloyd. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carla. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carla to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carla. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,

Lloyd

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Lloyd died suddenly on October 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Carla was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Lloyd somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

beavernutts · 12-05-2007, 08:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BskidooC

Sorry guys! Ive been busy and havent had time! Thats what 1 foot of fresh pow does! lol...anyway
Friday JOTD

A MAN WHO KNOWS HIS MATH writes:
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut
right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the
shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm
out is window and gave the woman the finger. "Man, that guy is stupid,"
I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish
manner
whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though
the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I
pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every
day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS
That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as
dissatisfying
or unrewarding.
That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have
seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry
weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive
past at least one female that
has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has
seriously
considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger? I don't think so.

LMFAO!!!

SnowBunny550 · 12-05-2007, 11:02 PM

BSkidooC - LOVED the letter from Lloyd. I was absolutely fuming as I read it...then laughing!

BskidooC · 12-06-2007, 01:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SnowBunny550

BSkidooC - LOVED the letter from Lloyd. I was absolutely fuming as I read it...then laughing!

HAHA! just so you know I may post some sexest type jokes but its just a joke...I dont mean anything by them!

Wednesday JOTD!!!!

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings
account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

Af ter many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's
office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The pr esident was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied,
"Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself t hat there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her
lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved , you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied,
"Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

JheLrey · 12-06-2007, 04:35 AM

Smart...

polaris4lif3 · 12-06-2007, 11:10 PM

After church one day a group of children and their priest are talking. The priest asks the children which body part they think goes to heaven first when you die. A girl raises her hand and says your hands, the priest asks her why she replies because whenever we pray we put our hands together. The priest is impressed and says good answer, does anybody else have any guesses. A little boy in the back of the room raises his hand and says your legs, confused the priest says well whys that? The boy replies well the other day i walked into my parents bedroom and my moms legs were in the air and she was screaming O GOD O GOD I'm coming, and if it wasn't for daddy holding her down we would of lost her.

newcatrunner · 12-06-2007, 11:51 PM

roflmao....hahahahahaha....those are priceless i ache all over

BskidooC · 12-07-2007, 03:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by polaris4lif3

After church one day a group of children and their priest are talking. The priest asks the children which body part they think goes to heaven first when you die. A girl raises her hand and says your hands, the priest asks her why she replies because whenever we pray we put our hands together. The priest is impressed and says good answer, does anybody else have any guesses. A little boy in the back of the room raises his hand and says your legs, confused the priest says well whys that? The boy replies well the other day i walked into my parents bedroom and my moms legs were in the air and she was screaming O GOD O GOD I'm coming, and if it wasn't for daddy holding her down we would of lost her.

ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!

Jaded · 12-07-2007, 10:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by polaris4lif3

After church one day a group of children and their priest are talking. The priest asks the children which body part they think goes to heaven first when you die. A girl raises her hand and says your hands, the priest asks her why she replies because whenever we pray we put our hands together. The priest is impressed and says good answer, does anybody else have any guesses. A little boy in the back of the room raises his hand and says your legs, confused the priest says well whys that? The boy replies well the other day i walked into my parents bedroom and my moms legs were in the air and she was screaming O GOD O GOD I'm coming, and if it wasn't for daddy holding her down we would of lost her.

I like it!

JheLrey · 12-09-2007, 06:13 AM

I have one for all of you... It is work related so forgive me and just read along.

I stop and arrest an adult female for DWI tonight...
A Co-Worker stops and arrests an adult male for DWI two hours later...

....and the funny part.... they are husband and wife! Wife got mad at Husband and left. Husband tried to call wife but could not get through. (Duh! She's in jail) He goes out looking for her and gets picked up. Now, they can be happy together in jail. I swear I was about to ROFL at the location of the stop... Too Funny!

beavernutts · 12-09-2007, 09:05 AM

Lmfao